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Life update
I just want to start off by saying I'm sorry this isn't a particularly fun post, I know at least a couple people have been waiting for my Feb media roundup and I'm unsure if I'll be properly getting to that, for reasons that will probably become obvious in this post. I do want to try to get back on track with reviewing stuff, but I may have to scale it back.
Simply put, I'm not doing all that well. The past three years in particular have been A Lot, dealing with everything from losing pets to changing jobs (twice) to moving, a few friend breakups, health issues... you get the idea. My depression has been horrible in the past year and particularly in the past few months. Nothing is fun or enjoyable anymore, I constantly feel agitated, dissatisfied, upset and lonely. I feel like my life is just sleep poorly, wake up, work, doomscroll, repeat. I try to schedule things during the week to keep me busy, but they usually don't help. If they do make me feel better, the effect ends the moment I stop doing them.
It's enormously frustrating. I used to spend a lot more time hanging out with people, talking and playing games (3-4 times a week) and some friends I only see but once a month now. Social media is a lot less... well, social than it used to be. I really miss the casual chats I used to have with people in Twitter comments - for whatever reason, people just don't comment on stuff on Bluesky, no matter what I do. A lot of my friends have either drastically reduced their bsky usage for a number of reasons, or just straight up don't get online anymore. I try to message people to keep up with them, but conversations have been falling off a lot lately which sucks. My anxiety brain tells me it's because I just suck and no one wants to be my friend, and without much evidence to the contrary it's getting harder not to believe that's the truth.
I've tried not to burden people too much with these feelings because I certainly don't want to guilt anyone into hanging out with me, since I know most people's unavailability is fully out of their control - unfortunately knowing this doesn't make me feel any less lonely, so I've spent the last few months just gradually feeling more and more miserable all the time. It's gotten unbearable lately, and I don't see a way out of this any time soon.
The one thing that kind of brings me some joy is my ocs - but I struggle to talk about them with people because I hate infodumping or talking to people about things when they're not engaged. I also don't want to bother people with them because I'm sure there's many other things they would much rather talk about than the characters I made to specifcally cater to myself and my interests. Sharing art or writing on bsky never seems to generate any interest, either, so I've given up trying to find people who might be interested in hearing about them. Games aren't fun, movies and TV aren't fun, and I'm kind of just going through the motions at this point. The depression has gotten so heavy I just don't see a way out anymore. I try to avoid complaining too much because I know everyone is sick of it, and I don't want to push away the last few people in my life. But I'm also just at a point now where I honestly don't want to live because life doesn't feel worth living. I don't want to live if everything for the rest of my life is just going to feel vaguely unsatisfactory at best and unbearably painful at worst. I haven't honestly felt truly good in many months and it's starting to feel like I never will again. I can't afford therapy or medication - though I've already tried close to a dozen medications and none of them changed anything, so it's doubtful that would help me anyway.
I know this all probably sounds whiny and annoying, and I'm sorry, but I just needed to get all of this out of my head somewhere. I just don't know what to do.
Simply put, I'm not doing all that well. The past three years in particular have been A Lot, dealing with everything from losing pets to changing jobs (twice) to moving, a few friend breakups, health issues... you get the idea. My depression has been horrible in the past year and particularly in the past few months. Nothing is fun or enjoyable anymore, I constantly feel agitated, dissatisfied, upset and lonely. I feel like my life is just sleep poorly, wake up, work, doomscroll, repeat. I try to schedule things during the week to keep me busy, but they usually don't help. If they do make me feel better, the effect ends the moment I stop doing them.
It's enormously frustrating. I used to spend a lot more time hanging out with people, talking and playing games (3-4 times a week) and some friends I only see but once a month now. Social media is a lot less... well, social than it used to be. I really miss the casual chats I used to have with people in Twitter comments - for whatever reason, people just don't comment on stuff on Bluesky, no matter what I do. A lot of my friends have either drastically reduced their bsky usage for a number of reasons, or just straight up don't get online anymore. I try to message people to keep up with them, but conversations have been falling off a lot lately which sucks. My anxiety brain tells me it's because I just suck and no one wants to be my friend, and without much evidence to the contrary it's getting harder not to believe that's the truth.
I've tried not to burden people too much with these feelings because I certainly don't want to guilt anyone into hanging out with me, since I know most people's unavailability is fully out of their control - unfortunately knowing this doesn't make me feel any less lonely, so I've spent the last few months just gradually feeling more and more miserable all the time. It's gotten unbearable lately, and I don't see a way out of this any time soon.
The one thing that kind of brings me some joy is my ocs - but I struggle to talk about them with people because I hate infodumping or talking to people about things when they're not engaged. I also don't want to bother people with them because I'm sure there's many other things they would much rather talk about than the characters I made to specifcally cater to myself and my interests. Sharing art or writing on bsky never seems to generate any interest, either, so I've given up trying to find people who might be interested in hearing about them. Games aren't fun, movies and TV aren't fun, and I'm kind of just going through the motions at this point. The depression has gotten so heavy I just don't see a way out anymore. I try to avoid complaining too much because I know everyone is sick of it, and I don't want to push away the last few people in my life. But I'm also just at a point now where I honestly don't want to live because life doesn't feel worth living. I don't want to live if everything for the rest of my life is just going to feel vaguely unsatisfactory at best and unbearably painful at worst. I haven't honestly felt truly good in many months and it's starting to feel like I never will again. I can't afford therapy or medication - though I've already tried close to a dozen medications and none of them changed anything, so it's doubtful that would help me anyway.
I know this all probably sounds whiny and annoying, and I'm sorry, but I just needed to get all of this out of my head somewhere. I just don't know what to do.
no subject
And then the fear of burdening friends with your feelings, because you don't want to make them feel guilty or worse, push them away. It's such a rough struggle and it always feels like there is no way out, that you'll just sink further and further.
I don't want to just say "You'll come out of it!" because in my experience, sometimes words of hope like that have the opposite effect when you're in such a deep rut. It's gone on so long that it feels like it couldn't possibly be true.
Though I will say; don't give up. Your friends love you so much more than your brain is letting you think they do right now. They absolutely are there for you, and if one isn't at the time you need them, another will be. I for one am happy to be there for you whenever you need me. I'll chat with you during the day while you've got downtime at work, and in the evening if you really need someone to voice chat with or maybe even just play a game with, I'd be happy to make time for you. You mean so much to me and I wanna be there for you when I can.